I need to get off it. I love DD and I love submitting to Cael but part of my problem is when I'm away from him I get extra confident and start thinking I don't "need" this and actually start feeling ashamed of my ttwd desires. I feel this the most when I have an accomplishment.
For example, yesterday I went on an interview and I thought it went really well (*knock on wood*...not to jinx anything!). I had been proud to even land the interview and because it went well on top of that, I got one of those "invincible" feelings, like I can do anything and I'm powerful and what do I need this submission thing for. This sort of feeling also starts to happen when I'm out with my vanilla friends and Cael is not there. These situations build up my independence. I also have one particularly close friend who always seeks my help and advice and helping him makes me feel important. Not that I get an ego, I'm actually a very humble person, but it boosts my confidence and sense of independence to know that someone values my opinion to that extent. Sometimes I even tell myself that the next time I see Cael I'm not going to submit. This however NEVER happens. Whenever I get back with him I feel so submissive, it is not a problem. Just his presence is enough to put me in the submissive mindset and all my previous thoughts disintegrate.
It feels very Jekyll and Hyde-ish, like I literally have two personalities. One is very "I can conquer the world and do anything and don't need anyone" and the other is "I will do whatever Cael says and I hope he gives me exercises to show me his dominance." It can be very confusing internally. My submission also feeds off being alone. I'm an introvert, I thrive off of my down time and my thoughts. It's odd that spending time with people is feeding my independence. I wonder how the two are connected.
My hope is that in time, I can find a way for the two to exist happily. Maybe I just need Cael to constantly keep me grounded. Or maybe the opposing feelings are good, they themselves are what keep me in check. If I did not submit, I'd get a little full of it. If I submitted to the extent to which I were no longer my own person, I wouldn't be very useful in life.
I don't have a firm conclusion to this post, it's just a peek inside my head I suppose. Does anyone else struggle with the two extremes? What are your thoughts?
I do struggle with these two area of my life, in much the same way except that I never feel submissive when I get back to him..until he reigns me in.
ReplyDeleteHe knows I slip into miss independent mode when I go away or have been out with friends, so he pulls me close, or warns me about attitude issues, or if I'm really flippant or distancing then I get a spanking.
I think it's good that you recognize these two opposing feelings, and see how they each play out. Which is stronger? What makes you the most content? Are there times they coexist beautifully? Just some questions to ask yourself. It may never change and that's okay too..but you can see it more clearly if you examine it from many angles.
Stormy, thank you for sharing! It sounds like you go through something similar. Those are helpful questions that I will ask myself next time I am feeling super independent, or when I am feeling extra submissive, and see how they compare. I'm hoping I'll be able to find a common ground between the two and in turn reframe my thoughts to be content in either situation. I do think both feelings are valuable but it's sometimes hard to make room for the two at the same time!
DeleteMaybe the fact that you are independent and powerful much of the time can be used as a positive. These two opposite positions don't have to fight each other, they can coexist like ying and yang. I think being ordinarily confident around most people would make the act of submitting to a special person's dominance sometimes even more sublime, if you think about it. It's easy for a weak person to turn over control to someone else. It really says something when a confident and powerful person does it; it makes your submission more of a gift I think. But I'm not a submissive, so I'm just speculating.
ReplyDeleteHi Spanky, thanks for stopping by and for your insight! I agree that it takes a great amount of strength for an independent or confident person to relinquish their control. That is most likely the reason for which I struggle with it so much. I have to remember to be strong in giving my power away. It's hard to take that point of view because the two ideas are so conflicting but it does make sense.
DeletePS, I love the Little Rascals, cute name and pic!
Riley,
ReplyDeleteI've been here a long time and I can tell you one thing for sure is that you will meet the strongest, smartest women in the world right here. We all need to be strong and independent to be safe in this world we live in. I think spankos know this completely and because we have thought about it. We have usually shown this strong side to the world, but now we are safe and comfortable giving our men the gift of our submission in whatever form is comfortable for you as a couple. Choosing to be submissive on some level to our husbands is in no way taking away from our independence with the rest of the world.
Just keep talking and you will find exactly the right combination for you and your husband. Welcome to the community!
Hugs,
PK
Hi PK! Thanks for stopping by! :) It's an interesting point you bring up. Through reading blogs I too noticed how independent and intelligent the women are in this community. I think for me it's mostly a psychological battle. A lot of it probably has to do with nature vs. nurture. If I hadn't been brought up to look down upon men who disciplined "their" women, I probably wouldn't be having nearly as many issues. But ya know, after 20-something years of that, it gets a wee bit ingrained!
DeleteYou're right though, it doesn't mean that I can't have both the independence and give the submission. I do appreciate that my boyfriend allows me do whatever I want when I'm out and about and it's only when we're alone that he steps up.
Hi Riley,
ReplyDeleteThese two aspects of personality may not be as opposite as you think. True submission cannot be taken through coercion, theft, or deceit. As PK said, it is a gift that must be offered up freely and with love. I believe it takes more far courage, trust, and determination to make this offer and follow through than to operate independently.
Conversely, the strength required to make and keep these commitments can translate into confidence in other parts of life. Most people don't understand who they are and what their role is. For those of us who do, it's a tremendous advantage. I have the clarity to focus my attention and energy on the important issues.
It's a paradox, I realize, but it's one that I long ago stopped questioning.
Hugs,
Bonnie
Hi Bonnie! Thank you for sharing your insight, it helps to see someone else say what you (as well as others above) said. They are things I think to myself when I'm feeling good about submission, yet when I get my surge of independence, I start having doubts.
DeleteIt's all an internal battle of course. I "know" that I independently gave my submission, and it is always given out of love and never forced; Cael is wonderful with that. Plus, through reading blogs I have seen a lot of this going on and I "know" the two can go together, I have seen bloggers come to that realization themselves. But when I experience these feelings for myself it opens up a whole new can of worms! It is however definitely something I can work on and I appreciate your advice.
Two personalities. Yes I know what you mean. It can be confusing I agree. ( and my other personality agrees too :) Everyone has made good points. I think it takes a strong, independent personality to be able to 'take on' this type of lifestyle. It's finding a balance that's the most difficult part.
ReplyDeleteDee x
Lol, Dee! I'm happy both your personalities are in accordance on this topic ;) Thanks for sharing that you feel the same! I agree balance is key, I'm hoping to get there soon, or at least someday!
DeleteI think so many of us here think like you! I run my own in-home business... have been for almost 15 years so I pretty much know what I'm doing... people who don't do what I do every day are impressed when they see what I do. As far as my job goes I'm fairly confident, independent... I have to, I'm the boss. When the day is done and it's family time, it's so nice to be able to hand off the boss hat to S.. I love submitting to him. It relaxes me... it allows me to rest. Even though I'm still cooking, laundry, taking care of kids I still feel relaxed. I don't think I turn my brain off but it is so nice to not feel responsible for everything and for S to "guide" me... us.
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled onto your blog... very nice!! ;o)
Hi Mikki, thank you for stopping by! That's really neat you run your own business; I've always wanted to be an entrepreneur. I'm a little young yet but give it a couple years and hopefully I'll have a shot at it! I too enjoy being the boss, I've had jobs where I was the supervisor and it felt good yet in a relationship I ache for Cael to be that "supervisor." It's so odd that something I yearn for so badly is also what I rebel against so strongly. I appreciate you sharing how you were able to find a balance between independently owning your business yet allowing S to takeover at home.
DeleteNot as crazy as you think...BECAUSE you are strong you are wanting to have someone to hold you sometimes, someone to take some control because it's a relief
ReplyDeleteHi Ashley, thanks for stopping by :) I agree it's such a relief to not have to deal with control sometimes. Especially because I'm so deliberative and will take forever to decide how to do something/what to do, it's nice to just be told how it'll go or to have him decide on whether we'll watch TV, have a conversation, listen to music, etc.
Delete