The Importance of Female Power in a DD Relationship, by Cael

Hello readers of Riley's blog,

This is Cael: Riley's boyfriend and dom. Riley came to me a few months ago begging permission to start a blog about our lifestyle. I was initially against this idea, thinking it both too personally revealing and too much side work for her, when she should really be focusing on other more important things. Eventually, of course, I relented and Vanilla Extract was born. Before I begin with the meat of this post, I would like to thank those of you, her readers, who have been so supportive and friendly to my dearest Riley. I am at my very core only concerned with her well-being, and happy she found a group of like-minded fellows who do not follow the guiding philosophy of the rest of the internet (mainly derision, self-aggrandizement and nasty, ultimately pointless arguing). So with deep respect, I thank you.

I loved Riley long before she came to me with the idea of involving domestic discipline in our relationship, and I will continue to love her long afterward. I'm not against doing these things for her if she wants them, and I of course get my enjoyment out of them too. But sometimes things go over the line; no I'm not talking about getting too exuberant with her during a punishment, though that does happen sadly. I'm talking about her going too far down the road of submission. I'm just as surprised as you probably are that such a thing as “too much submission” can even exist, but I hope to expound on this idea, its causes, effects, and potential solutions in this post. I will note up front that too much submission is, in my mind, a bad thing, and that female power in a DD relationship is a very important thing, even while the man is the dominant partner.

So what's the deal then? Cael doesn't want Riley to submit to him? Well that's patently untrue. I love it when Riley obeys me, or bends over my knee for a spanking. That's some wonderful, mutually enjoyable submission right there. That's not a part of the problem at all. I enjoy this kind of healthy submission because it's Riley, an intelligent and capable woman, giving me her power and control. Out of love, trust and respect a woman like my Riley is sacrificing her power so that we may both prosper from the act. That's a beautiful thing and it's something she and I both enjoy. It does not lower her innate personal power, merely transfers it to me for a while.

What I describe as too much submission is in some ways the opposite of this. It's when Riley reduces her own innate power. Instead of sharing it with me she destroys it. How? By acting overly weak or meek, though thankfully she doesn't do it very often. A submissive woman is not by definition also weak; weakness in women is unappealing, un-alluring and un-fun. Female weakness is exemplified most noticeably in body language such as slouching, head hanging, and  lying limply. Personally I would add not making eye contact (though I know that some men view eye contact as a sign of disrespect, I am not one of them) and speaking softly (more softly than is your natural baseline. If you're soft spoken by default then that's fine) to this list as well.

So what exactly is bad about weakness? I touched on this briefly earlier in this little essay: by being outwardly weak you are not sharing your power with me, you are destroying it for me. There is a difference. Ladies, your man wants a partner, not a servant, nor a vassal. Yes we want you to honor and respect us, we want you to submit to us, but we don't want you to make yourselves less than you are for us. Together, we are engaged in this kind of relationship because we love you and want the best for you, we want to help you grow and reach your full potential, not stifle it for our own amusement. We understand that DD is what you need, want and crave and we're happy to indulge. But, we don't want this journey we've started together to be what destroys the woman we fell in love with at the start.

It's more pleasing for your man when his woman is strong but subservient to him. Powerful, self-confident women are attractive. The stronger you are when you submit to him, the more powerful you make him feel. To be a strong woman who submits is more enticing than to be a weak one who does. The reason is twofold:

Firstly, confident women have the power to resist, when they choose not to it demonstrates their love, and happiness. She doesn't resist because she loves what he does to her. It pleases her, excited her, corrects her and builds her up. It makes her a better woman. The same can't be said for a weak woman. Is she submitting because she really enjoys it? Or is she simply unable to resist? Is he really building her up and helping grow their relationship, or is his dominance overwhelming her and smothering the part of her personality that sparked their love?

Secondly, the alpha male wants to be tied to the alpha female. As I mentioned earlier, we want a partner, not a servant. The leader of a wolf pack may sow his wild oats with whomever he pleases, but he mates with the alpha female. From an evolutionary model it makes sense: you want your offspring to have the qualities of both parents, so you want your mate to be a high-caliber catch. Bringing it back to the world of humans: every King needs a strong Queen. The Queen must be graceful, regal, sovereign and able to handle the problems of their kingdom, but ultimately she is subservient to the King. But it is the Queen the King loves, not the scullery maid. He loves the Queen for her strength, her beauty and her other womanly charms. By being a strong Queen she makes him a stronger King. Every man wants his woman to be his alpha female, his prime catch, his darling Queen.

How can you be more powerful as a woman and still be submissive?

Obedience is of course critical. Do what your man tells you to; that's not weakness, that's loyalty. Instead be sure to correct some of the body language issues I mentioned earlier. Posture is something Riley and I have been working on together for her.

Maintain good posture, carry yourself as though you were a Queen. Whether standing, sitting or kneeling, always display an aura of grace and confidence.

Vocalization is a favorite of mine; speak up if you need to, do not let your voice prevent your assertion.

Dress nicely: you don't need to be provocative, or overly formal, but don't let self-defeating thoughts force you to wear sweatpants day in and day out. (For the record, Riley does not own sweatpants).

Take initiative: Your man does not always enjoy micromanaging you. You should feel free to do something spontaneous for you or him if the fancy strikes you, or if it seems like a good idea. Bake a cake, write a song, buy a book and give it a read. There are some things you don't need our permission for and we like it when you demonstrate that you can be your own woman in small, subtle ways.

Do not show fear: I certainly hope you're not legitimately afraid of your man's punishments. Don't pretend you are. You can be weary, or show trepidation, but fear is the ultimate sign of weakness (N.B. if there's something that legitimately makes you afraid, then it's okay to be afraid. Fire is a perfect example).

I'll leave you to think over what I've said with a closing point. Of course your mileage may vary on all of what I've mentioned here, but I hope what I'm about to say is universal. It's okay to cry. Crying is not a sign of weakness when it's genuine. It's okay to cry. If you feel something so strongly that you simply can't hold it in any longer than turn around, take your hug and let it all out, because it's okay to cry.

I hope you have enjoyed this treatise. I'll see you all again soon.